Sometimes I wonder.........

Sometimes I can’t sleep. Sometimes I just toss and turn and then give up. I’ve got this old oak kitchen table that belonged to my momma that’s just perfect for bible studying and cups of hot cocoa at 2 am. So, sometimes that’s what I do. And here’s what I’ve wondered about lately.

Where is my son, Isaiah? Are his feet dusty on the plains of Ethiopia or does he live in the crowded city of Addis? Sometimes when I’m cooking supper I look up expecting to glimpse the top of a head darting across the room behind Luke but I know that is a hopeful expectation. It’s odd how when I tuck my other three children in at night I wonder so much about where he might be. I wonder if he is safe and if he has enough to eat. Is he being rocked to sleep? I wonder if he has even been born yet.

And that leads me to wonder about his birth mother. I wonder if she has had help while carrying this child or whether she is all alone. I wonder whether she will deliver at home or if she will be one of the rare few who will birth in a hospital. And when statistics tell me that 25,000 Ethiopian women die from childbirth every year I wonder if she will survive his birth. I wonder if she’s scared right now and struggling. I wonder if she’s worried about his future and her own. I wonder if she knows the Christ I do and if she’s calling out His name the way I am.

The Ethiopian government will want us to meet so of course I wonder what meeting her will be like. I wonder if she will be angry with me or if she will have found her peace about it. I wonder how I will remember these things to Isaiah. I wonder how I will describe the depth of love it takes to let your baby go when you can no longer care for him. I wonder how I’m going to explain a world so broken that a women’s only option is let her baby move across the globe to survive. These are the things I wonder about at 2 am.

………..........but then there are the things I pray for at 2am

Father, I pray that you cover my Isaiah and his family with your hand. Protect them and keep them safe. Bring them comfort and peace. Lord, I cannot begin to know what their life is like right now, nor do I know everything that I should pray for on their behalf, but I pray that they know you. I pray that if they cannot raise Isaiah in this life, they will know him in the next. Give me the words and the courage to tell them about you and your amazing love for them. And still every day I wait and I pray for Isaiah not knowing the details of his life right now. Lord, I know only that one momma must give him up for another momma to give him a home. And the waiting may seem like torture Father, but the knowledge of what he is losing in order to gain us tortures me more. We may give him many good things Father, but we cannot give him his beginning. And for now I am woefully unprepared for helping him grieve what he is losing! Please God, give me strength, give me humility, give me kindness, give me patience, and give me Godly wisdom to be the momma that all my babies need. I know I cannot do that on my own. In Jesus Name, Amen. (excerpts from my prayer journal)

So friends, what are you wondering about? Let's be honest, what are you worried about?  What is it that's keeping you up at night long after your family is fast asleep.  What are you carrying around with you like a millstone weighing you down? How long have you been carrying it? Isn’t it time to set it down? The One who gave His life for you invites you in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Notice that he doesn’t say only the folks who go to a certain church or only the people who have their lives together! It says all. You don’t have to be perfect to claim His promises for your life. You just have to belong to Him. And I belong to Him. So every day I approach His throne about all my “wonderings”. Sometimes I don’t worry about them again and sometimes I do. But every day, all day long I just keep laying them at His feet. And an amazing thing happens, I find rest. And so can you.