My heart aches for my son. I know that all things work in God’s time and I trust him completely, I know, he knows what he is doing, but my heart still aches for him. I cannot describe it or explain it to others around me because the concept might seem so foreign to them. But God, when he called me to be Isaiah’s mom, placed a love in my heart for a child I have never met. My child, his child. I have never questioned what he asked me to do, that is, I have never doubted that it was God speaking to my heart, nor do I question this love, it just is. Just as my love for my other 3 children blossomed and grew while I was pregnant so does this love while we are waiting to be referred to our son. But, there is a loneliness about it. With my other babies, they were with me, growing and moving, ever giving me reminders of their little presence. Here, now, there is only stillness. There are no little hiccups to laugh about or heartbeats to hear. There is only the sound of silence. And perhaps, I am mourning what I am used to, sonograms and due dates. I often wonder why God would ask people such as us to do such an unlikely thing. The only answer I can think of is because he believes we need another son and because Isaiah needs a family. It seems vastly simple, yet it does not ease my aching heart. And yet I know that throughout this process he is also drawing me closer and closer to him. It’s true, I’m not picking out baby bedding but I am yearning for my father in a way I never have before. At the end of the day when everyone is turned in for bed, Jesus and I get together for awhile and the ache is gone. I read his words and am transported to dusty roads and lunches by the sea. I am calmed when I remember that this same man loves me much more than I can imagine. And I am overwhelmed when I think of how much he is missing me. How much he aches for me to come home. Who better to understand my pain? So I pour it out to him and let it go. My anguish and anxiety aren’t anything he can’t handle. And I’m so grateful he’s my savior. There are still times every day when the thought of my son stops me dead in my tracks; times when the ache overwhelms me for a moment and I forget to breathe. But, I just whisper the name of Jesus in my mind and he gives me the strength to keep going and I think to myself how great is our God!
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God & not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body”
The above is my prayer journal entry from the evening of Tuesday, August 28, 2012. Our adoption agency has not given many referrals in the last several months and our number on the waiting is list is moving very slowly. For the past several weeks I have felt very discouraged. When you are number 100, you shouldn’t let yourself get discouraged! At least that’s what I kept telling myself. But, nevertheless, I did. I felt hard pressed, for sure, like I couldn’t draw a deep breath. And then, when I thought I could not stand one more day, 36 hours after writing the above journal entry, we moved down one little number. And that was enough. We broke 100. I cried some tears of relief over that plate of warmed up pizza while I read the email and the kids changed the number on the whiteboard in our kitchen. Now please don’t think I believe that God referred that child to that family because I needed some relief or some kind of sign! Absolutely not! But I do believe that God is working out some things in me in his timing and there’s no denying that! I believe I’m on his timetable and so are my breaking points. There are so many moments when I wish I could understand exactly what God is doing with my life but he has chosen not to reveal that to me at this time and as the scripture states I am perplexed. I wish so much that God would lay out every detail for me. That way I would know exactly what was coming. I could prepare & plan. I could get ready. And none of that would require what he’s asking of me….faith, trust, and belief. It is one thing to say you have these things and quite another to learn to live in them every day. To understand that your situation is out of your hands and that God alone is truly in control. Humble doesn’t begin to describe my feelings. I am so grateful that despite feeling hard pressed, or crushed, or confused I can still go to my Father and know he understands and cares for me. That within me, this jar of clay, he has place the Holy Spirit to give me comfort and clarity until he himself comes again to take me home. That despite what tomorrow brings I’m still going home.
I suspect some of you reading this have a few aches of your own. Cancer, layoffs, divorce, infertility, the list could go on and on, couldn’t it? Maybe you are a little like me. Maybe it’s hard to get through the day without the thought of what’s going on in your life making it hard to breathe. Perhaps you feel hard pressed, confused, persecuted, or struck down. I encourage you to turn toward Jesus rather than from him. Trust that his plan for your life may be vastly different than your plan(ours were), but that from an eternal perspective it is far better for you. He’s not interested in making life easier for you, he’s devoted to showing you how important you are to him and how much he needs you to help others find their way to him. Recognize that Satan uses many of these feelings to separate you from God. Don’t allow it. Don’t allow life’s circumstances to keep you from seeing what God can do through you for him. God created you to be amazing, don’t forget that!
I have no idea what tomorrow may bring, but I am learning to be ok with that. Tragedy or triumph I will prevail by the grace and strength of my God. There is still an ache in my heart and I suspect it won’t leave until my son is home with me. I’m not sure what kind of mother I’d be if it did. I’m still trusting and believing and waiting and watching as God drops the pieces of the puzzle of my life in place. It’s awfully hard to be patient & watch sometimes but I’ll let him handle it. I never was much good at puzzles anyway.