I knew it was coming. I could feel it. For weeks I had pushed it down. In public when I saw people with babies I would just smile and comment politely but inside I could sense it. And I just kept shoving it back. I had no idea it would hit me in the closet. I was busy sorting Luke’s outgrown clothing for a friend with a new baby. Steve and I had decided that it didn’t make much sense to keep a closet full of clothes for a baby who might not arrive for another year or two when our friend could use them now. Besides, our Isaiah wouldn’t be a little baby when he got home anyway, right? Logically, it made perfect sense. So, I’m not sure if it was the tininess of the baby onesie or the fact that it had I love mommy stitched on it or the random thought I had when I saw that it came from Gap and I hoped that some kid hadn’t stitched it on there instead of going to school that day, but all I can tell you was that the waterfall started. Tears flowed like rain down my face and onto the baby clothes I was sorting and I couldn’t stop them. Before I knew it they turned into sobs and I buried my faced into that onesie and all I could think was Oh God. I was glad I had closed the closet door and the girls had their TV turned up too loud. I was relieved no one in my house could hear me. I really had no words other than Oh God to pray. I wish that I could tell you that I did. I wish that I could post one of my written prayers from my journal that could help you but I don’t have one. All I can tell you was that right there in my kids’ closet I was heartbroken and there aren't words for my prayer for that. I can tell you I was mourning that Isaiah won’t be little when he comes home and I was mourning our wait. I was mourning a world that makes children wait for homes while expediting abortions. And sometimes there aren't words for that either; at least not human words. As I sat there rocking back and forth I knew I wasn’t alone, however sad, however tired, the Holy Spirit was with me. Of all the things I know about God to be true at that moment I remembered that. Paul tells us the following in
Romans 8:26-27, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”
I finished sorting those clothes through tears that day and found that I was stronger than when I started. Every day I get stronger, and every day I get closer to his promise of my son. And every day I remind myself that I am filled with a built in prayer partner. I don’t have to have all the words I just need to ask for help. I don’t know where you are right now. Maybe you are waiting too on something God has promised, or maybe you have news that you can’t handle alone. But wherever your closet is right now God is there too. You don’t have to have the right words; you don’t have to have any words at all. Be secure in the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is speaking for you when you are unable to do so. Rest in that promise and come out of your closet with some peace. I did.