I knew it was coming. I could feel it. For weeks I had pushed it down. In public when I saw people with babies I
would just smile and comment politely but inside I could sense it. And I just kept shoving it back. I had no idea it would hit me in the closet. I was busy sorting Luke’s outgrown clothing
for a friend with a new baby. Steve and
I had decided that it didn’t make much sense to keep a closet full of clothes
for a baby who might not arrive for another year or two when our friend could
use them now. Besides, our Isaiah wouldn’t
be a little baby when he got home anyway, right? Logically, it made perfect sense. So, I’m not sure if it was the tininess of
the baby onesie or the fact that it had I love mommy stitched on it or the
random thought I had when I saw that it came from Gap and I hoped that some kid
hadn’t stitched it on there instead of going to school that day, but all I can
tell you was that the waterfall started.
Tears flowed like rain down my face and onto the baby clothes I was
sorting and I couldn’t stop them. Before I knew it they turned into sobs and I
buried my faced into that onesie and all I could think was Oh God. I was glad I had closed the closet door and
the girls had their TV turned up too loud.
I was relieved no one in my house could hear me. I really had no words other than Oh God to
pray. I wish that I could tell you that
I did. I wish that I could post one of
my written prayers from my journal that could help you but I don’t have
one. All I can tell you was that right
there in my kids’ closet I was heartbroken and there aren't words for my prayer
for that. I can tell you I was mourning
that Isaiah won’t be little when he comes home and I was mourning our
wait. I was mourning a world that makes
children wait for homes while expediting abortions. And
sometimes there aren't words for that either; at least not human words. As I sat there rocking back and forth I knew
I wasn’t alone, however sad, however tired, the Holy Spirit was with me. Of all
the things I know about God to be true at that moment I remembered that. Paul tells us the following in
Romans 8:26-27, “In the same way,
the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We
do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us
with groans that words cannot express. And
he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit
intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”
I finished sorting those clothes
through tears that day and found that I was stronger than when I started. Every day I get stronger, and every day I get
closer to his promise of my son. And
every day I remind myself that I am filled with a built in prayer partner. I don’t have to have all the words I just need
to ask for help. I don’t know where you are right now. Maybe you are waiting too on something God
has promised, or maybe you have news that you can’t handle alone. But wherever your closet is right now God is
there too. You don’t have to have the
right words; you don’t have to have any words at all. Be secure in the knowledge that the Holy
Spirit is speaking for you when you are unable to do so. Rest in that promise and come out of your
closet with some peace. I did.