I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living. Wait for The Lord; be strong & take heart & wait for The Lord. Psalms 27:13,14
I am surrounded by people I don't know in a sea of unfamiliar voices clashing about politics, prom dresses, and last night's you tube comedian. They chatter about useless information and act as though they don't know the nurse just called my momma's name. I am quiet and still in their midst. I make no eye contact and offer no support for them or their families. Today I have no extra strength to give. Today I can focus only on her. Only on His goodness. Only on His provision. I am moment by moment today.
My momma is sick. Something is wrong. Today they will make some cuts and try to determine what kind of sickness she has. Somehow I have a peace that just enfolds me. It covers me like the night swallows the sun at days end. Those "what if" questions that hover around me are not choking me. I am not afraid of them. Even the darkest ones hold no power over me. My confidence is not shaken.
Does momma have cancer? If she does will she need more surgery? What about chemo and radiation? What if we lose her? What if I lose my momma?
The hardest things to write are still the truest. These are my "what if" questions. I'm sure you have your own. What if my parent's get divorced? What if I lose my job again? What if I can't make rehab work this time? What if they knew? And they carry an avalanche of emotion with them. But I am not a prisoner bound by the fear they could bring and you don't have to be either. Instead I say them, I write them, and I just give them to Him. These are His questions and only He can answer them. Only He can see the bigger greater story that is being written.
I am confident that God can heal her if that is what He chooses to do. I want Him to, I ask Him to, and at times argue with the God of the heavens to keep her safe but His goodness is not dependent on Him doing this. He is good because it is his very nature. He is good because he loves me so much He is giving me grace to walk every moment of this life. I am confident because God's the best event planner I know. When sin separated me from Him, He came up with dying for me to get me back so I'm pretty sure whatever's headed our way He can handle. He will use it for good. That's what He does. He takes our mess & and makes it beautiful.
When I'm walking through the fires of this life I don't always understand it. I rarely understand it; but I'm confident in Him, in His wisdom, in His strength, in His grace. Christ gives me the freedom to not have to understand everything all the time. I just trust. I dig deep into Him and trust. And then I'm free. Free to not have all the answers all the time. Free to wait and see what God's answers will be. Free to know that His answers will be for my benefit and to know that sometimes I won't understand those answers this side of heaven. Free to know that whatever lies on the other side of this mountain cannot change who He is but it will most definitely change who I am. Paul reminds us of this in the following passage:
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 4:17,18
Every day that we choose Christ we choose freedom. Every day we choose to have confidence in, patience for, and submission to Christ we get freedom. Every moment we choose to let go of our lives and trust that His design is far more spectacular than ours we get freedom. And in the midst of this day to day choosing something else happens. We start to look different. We start to act different. We become better, exceedingly better than we could have ever been on our own. Truthfully better is a terrible word for it because often we don't resemble our old self at all. That's what transformation from the Holy Spirit will do for you.
I know that's what happened to me. Six years ago I would have prayed some for my momma, but I would have worried more. I would have given her to God in voice, but in truth I would have held her back more tightly than ever. I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't know what freedom was. I didn't know what confidence In Christ meant. I hadn't been on my Damascus road back then. I hadn't seen His light or felt its radiant heat. But now I have.
Now I know and so can you that there is freedom from fear in the presence of Christ. You can be confident that your God is the master architect. And while you may not see Him finish the project, have faith to know that when He's through it will be a masterpiece.